DNF

Did not finish.

DNF… The thought that has rolled through my mind more than anything else over the past week. It’s a thought that carries weight. It tries to drag you down. It’s the first thing that greets me when I wake up, the reason I can’t fall back asleep, and the thought that pops up at random moments throughout the day.

I know I’m not alone in this. Most runners at some point face a DNF. To be fair, a lot came from the UTMB weekend. But that doesn’t make it easier. And maybe in some way of self-sabotage, I haven’t tried very hard to move past it yet.

The Race

UTMB is the biggest stage in our sport. And as I’ve talked about in prior Substacks, I felt like I came to Chamonix ready. Training had gone well, and I thought I had used my three weeks in Chamonix well and had acclimated to the Alps as best I could in that short time. I felt I was in the right place physically and mentally to take on the loop around Mont Blanc.

The opening miles went as expected: a huge crowd, adrenaline running high, and me just trying to stay calm and keep the heart rate down while the leading group set what felt like an unsustainable pace. We knew the forecast and the rough weather to come during the night. That was probably underestimated, but I was happy with the decision to put on a fresh thermal in Les Contamines. In the early stages, I tried to keep roughly to my nutrition plan, but from the outset I had to wait a little longer than I wanted for the stomach to feel normal. After Les Contamines, I could tell it wouldn’t be long until my first nature break—and over the following few hours, I had to make many more pitstops. The nutrition just wasn’t landing the way it should. I’m not sure why… The way I fuelled pre-race or the time of day. I dunno. But, because of this, my intake slowed down and I had to adjust my effort. The cold made it imperative to keep moving.

Then it got really cold. Even with my full kit on and trying to keep moving, stopping every 15 minutes for a pitstop made it impossible to stay warm. With numb hands it was pretty hard work to do anything. So, I just trudged on, losing more and more energy, and surprisingly I was still in a decent position until I really started crashing after Lac Combal. Even before arriving in Courmayeur, I was already doubting my ability to finish. When I arrived, the answer, painfully, was no. Pulling out was brutal—having my dad there in the aid station, Jonny from Precision, Rob my athlete manager from TERREX—it felt like a walk of shame going to get my number clipped. There was no judgement coming from anyone. It was a me thing that hopefully I don’t have to go through again. But, who knows with racing.

The Aftermath

Since then, the DNF has been hard to shake.

I think, as a professional athlete, I’m harder on myself than most. Around me, people have been nothing but supportive, reminding me that one race doesn’t define me. Yet inside, it feels like I’ve let people down: my team, my supporters, and myself. I think that it may also be an ego thing, priding myself in consistency, it feels rough to have this ruin a string of results.

The only other time I’ve pulled from a race was six years ago at the Queenstown Marathon, when an achilles issue forced me to step off the course. I remember being just as hard on myself then, but I bounced forward quicker. This time, the questions loop endlessly in my mind: Why did it happen? Why did I stop?

What I’ve Learned

The truth is, I may not know know 100% the answers to those questions. But DNFs happen. They’re part of the sport, even at the highest level. They’re messy, frustrating, and deeply humbling. I’m yet to see, but hopefully this throws fuel on the fire to come back better, come back stronger.

I don’t have all the answers yet, and maybe that’s okay. For now, I’m catching up on life, fighting the jet lag, and letting time do its work. What I do know is that this isn’t the end. It’s now just a chapter in my career and we will keep pushing. We have exciting times on the horizon and from what I’ve heard having a baby will be way tougher than a loop around Mt Blanc. So we will prepare and get ready for this next challenge.

Through it all, I appreciate the kind words of encouragement. This community is awesome.

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